Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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