rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
