I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
