I accidentally had phone sex last night
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
