When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
