Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
