is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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