Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
