found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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