The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
