His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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