my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's shark week go big or go home
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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