Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
