I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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