3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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