so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
