Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
