dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
