tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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