My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
