when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
