dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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