Swine flu. Run for my life!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
