I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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