Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
