He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
