the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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