I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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