I used to practice getting hit by cars.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
