The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
