Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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