8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
