Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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