you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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