i already hear my dad disowning me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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