see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
