In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
