you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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