if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
