apparently the secret to your success is patron
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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