I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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