You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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