Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
