He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The adults are the big ones right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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