dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
