What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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