Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
