I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
