i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
