Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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